"Don't Ask Me!" What Parents Can Do When They Can't Help With Homework

Once children reach middle school, the homework starts to include things their parents don't know. By high school, most parents can't explain a single problem. "Don't ask me!" is the honest truth in a lot of homes at night. This article is about something simple: explaining problems is only a small part of helping with homework, and a parent who can't do it still has plenty to offer.

If I can't explain the homework, can I still help?

Yes. Your child doesn't need a grown-up who can do the problems. They need a grown-up who is there, isn't in a hurry, and is willing to listen to them explain. The explaining can be handed to someone else. Those three things can't.

What can a parent do without knowing the material?

Four things. First, sit nearby without watching over their shoulder. Read your own book. Just knowing you're there is enough. Second, listen to them explain it back. Once they've read an explanation, say, "Explain this problem to me." The point where they get stuck is the point they haven't understood yet. Third, look at the question map. The family view in Duowenwen shows which points your child got stuck on this week, so you can tell where they've been going round in circles without understanding the content. Fourth, put away the phrase "you should know this". Of everything you could say, it's the least useful.

If my child asks the questions, do I have to supervise?

You don't need to watch every problem. After each explanation, Duowenwen offers two or three "keep asking" prompts, and your child chooses where to go next. The questions they ask join up into a map you can glance at on the weekend. It doesn't hurry your child or give out scores, and it won't be harsh on them when you're not in the room, so you needn't worry about that either.

What might an evening like that look like?

Say a girl in the first year of high school has a chemistry problem about moles, and her mother has no idea how to do it. The girl photographs it into Duowenwen. A few minutes later there's an answer and an explanation, with the answer matched to a page in the textbook. Her mother says, "Explain it to me." Halfway through, the girl realizes she doesn't understand why you have to convert units first, and goes back to ask again. After the second explanation she says, "Oh, so that's how it works." Her mother didn't explain a word of chemistry all evening. But she did three things: she was there, she asked to be taught, and she didn't say the phrase.

What's the most important thing for a parent to let go of?

The need to know. Middle and high school material was never designed for parents to coach, and not knowing it isn't embarrassing. Your role isn't to be the teacher. It's to be the grown-up at home that evening. Let someone who can explain the problem do that, and keep the listening for yourself.

Next: try it tonight. When your child finishes reading the explanation, say, "Explain it to me."