My Child Keeps Asking Why and I Don't Know the Answer

Your child asks, "Why can you see the Moon in the daytime?" and you freeze. You don't know. Parents usually react in one of three ways: they make something up, they say "You'll find out when you're older", or they say "Why do you have to ask so many questions?" All three are worse than admitting you don't know.

Should you admit you don't know?

Yes. If you say "I don't know, let's find out together", what your child remembers isn't the answer. It's how you treated the question. If you bluff, you risk getting it wrong, and later your child will see the correct explanation in a textbook and remember this. Squashing the question is the bigger risk, because what your child learns is that asking questions annoys grown-ups.

What happens when you say "Why do you have to ask so many questions?"

That sentence won't make your child ask fewer questions. It will just make them stop asking you. Asking why is a sign that a child is learning: the more they ask, the more of the world they're taking in. After being shut down a few times, they'll bottle the questions up, or go and ask somewhere else. A bottled-up question doesn't disappear. It turns into "I'm just not interested."

What can you do when you don't know the answer?

Four practical things. First, write the question down. Keep a "why notebook" at home with the date and the question. Second, look it up together: open a textbook, or let your child type the question into Duowenwen. Third, when you've found the answer, ask your child to explain it to you. If they can explain it, they've understood it. Fourth, praise the thinking, not the cleverness. "That's a great question. What made you think of it?" works better than "You're so smart."

Here's how the Moon question might go. Your child types it into Duowenwen. It explains that the Moon doesn't make its own light but reflects sunlight, so whenever the Moon is in the sky and the sky isn't too bright, you can see it. At the end it asks, "So why can't you always see the Moon in the daytime?" Your child keeps tapping and ends up at the phases of the Moon. The whole thing takes longer than inventing an answer, but nobody said "Why do you have to ask so many questions?" that evening.

Can Duowenwen answer for me?

It can explain, but it can't keep your child company in your place. It explains the question clearly, checks the answer against the textbook with page numbers, and then offers two or three "keep asking" prompts so your child can choose what to ask next. Your part is simply to sit nearby and listen while they explain it back to you. Wherever they can't explain it, that's the next question.

Next: the next time you don't know the answer, say "I don't know" first, then write the question down.